I hope I don't regret it later, but in the past when I have been open and honest it has always felt *right*
High school was the first time I encountered a disfunction with my eating habits. It was my junior year when I was wrongly told by a friend (we just were young, innocent teens) that in order to loose weight you couldn't eat more than you exercised, another words if I ate 500 calories, I had to retreat to the gym ASAP to run enough miles to burn 500 calories (making my net at the end of the day 0). I did this. After 6 weeks I lost 27 lbs (140 down to 113). I felt so skinny and I loved it. I didn't think it was wrong and my relationship with food became unhealthy. I would go days without eating and learned to LOVE the grumbling (hunger pains) feeling in my stomach. Crazy right?!
I did this for about a year. My parents and friends tried to help, but I just held close this idea that the skinnier I was the more boys would like me and such. I developed such an thick outer shell. I didn't want to talk about the issue at hand, I wanted to enjoy it and live up the exciting time in my life.
When I got to college my body finally began to give out. Long hours at the library, late night chats with my roommates, traveling around the north west with my choir and trying to juggle all the fun freshman year at college had in store for me put a toll on my not-eating enough ways. I got sick. I always had a stomach ache. I had no energy. I began to feel vulnerable and knew I needed help. But did nothing.
Fast forward to 1 year later and a lot of late night eating, and turning to food during break ups, I gained weight and didn't like it! I craved that thin figure and was willing to do anything to get it. So I turned to throwing up my food after eating it. This behavior I wasn't happy with, I was ashamed, but it was working and I got thin again. After a lot of trips to the porcelain throne and over-taking of laxatives I landed myself in the ER. That was a wake up call! After that I bounced around from doctor to specialists and found help. I gained the confidence I needed to own up to my disgusting habits and chose a healthier life style.
After putting my education on hold while I dealt with this challenge, I got back into it and changed my major to health promotion and wellness with a minor in nutrition. I had been helped and wanted to reciprocate that kindness.
Since then, I have fallen a few times (struggling to loose the 50 pounds I gained with BOTH my pregnancies) but I have gotten back on track and endured. Changing these habits and trying to stay fit and skinny have been an overwhelming trial for me, but one I will never give up on. As I have developed a better relationship with food, I have gained more love for my self and more confidence in my ability to be a better wife and mother, sister and friend!
If you or anyone you know has ever struggled or are currently struggling with an eating disorder, please know you are not alone. You can change. You can better your life. This challenge does not need to ruin this life you have been given. It is tough, they are hard habits to break, but seek help and find yourself again, the self you WANT to be.
Choosing healthy food and getting fit shouldn't be a diet, not a quick fix, but a lifestyle change. I can do it, you can do it, we all can do it! It takes hard work and self control, but we can do it together!
Our bodies are incredibly beautiful, we need to take care of the inside so we can shine bright on the outside!
Have a happy weekend!!
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